A bold new approach to Second Life fashion, apparently
EDITOR’S NOTES
Before anyone emails me about this one, let me explain. Billy Bob is my cousin. Yes, that Billy Bob Wetherby.
I have spent years trying to maintain a respectable reputation around the Second Life fashion community, and then my aunt called me and reminded me that I promised her I would let him publish something.
So, in the interest of family harmony, I have agreed to give my cousin this opportunity to explain his fashion philosophy.
The Alpha Male Starter Kit
Listen up, fellas. If you’re tired of walking into a Second Life club and nobody immediately knows you’re the most important man in the room, I got you covered. You don’t need subtlety. You don’t need coordination. And you sure as hell don’t need somebody telling you that “less is more.” Less is what happens when you don’t have enough accessories.
What you need is the Alpha Male Starter Kit.
1. The Leather Vest
First thing you need is a leather vest. Not because you’re riding a motorcycle. I don’t own a motorcycle. It’s because a shirt has sleeves, and sleeves are basically a sign that you’re trying too hard. The leather vest says, “I could fix your truck.” It also says, “I have absolutely no idea how to fix your truck.”
That’s confidence.
2. The Giant Cross Necklace
Now, you need a necklace. Not a little necklace. Not something tasteful. You need a cross large enough that people in the next sim can see it. This is important because apparently spiritual strength is measured in necklace weight. Mine has its own gravitational field.
When I walk into a club, people don’t ask what I’m wearing. They just know I’m serious about accessorizing.
That’s the kind of spiritual commitment you want.
3. The Alpha Belt Buckle
This is where subtlety really starts getting in the way. The belt buckle should say ALPHA. Not your name. Not your initials.
ALPHA.
Because there’s always a chance somebody might mistake you for a regular guy. We can’t have that. The buckle should be large enough to serve as a dinner plate in an emergency. And preferably reflective.
4. The Wallet Chain
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“Billy Bob, why do I need a wallet chain in Second Life when I don’t actually have a wallet?”
That’s exactly why you need one.
Fashion isn’t about practicality. It’s about commitment to a concept. The wallet chain tells everybody you’re carrying something extremely valuable. What is it? Nobody knows. Possibly your dignity. Probably not.
5. The Shiny Pants
This is where the outfit really starts coming together. You need pants so shiny that sunlight becomes a personal attack. Why? Because ordinary pants absorb light. If somebody can see their reflection in your thigh while standing six feet away, you’ve chosen correctly.
6. Tactical Boots
Finally, the boots.
Every Alpha Male needs tactical boots. Not because you’re going anywhere tactical. You just need people to believe you could.
These aren’t walking shoes. These are “I may need to kick open a door” shoes. They’re heavy, they’re intimidating, and they make absolutely no sense with the rest of the outfit.
That’s how you know they’re perfect.
The important thing is that they look like they cost more than the rest of the outfit combined. If somebody sees your boots and thinks, “That man has somewhere extremely serious to be,” you’ve done it right.
Where you’re actually going is the dance floor at Club Whatever. But that’s nobody’s business.
7. The Beer
You cannot forget the beer. The beer isn’t really an accessory. It’s a lifestyle. It says you’re relaxed. It says you’re confident. It says you’ve reached the point in life where holding a beer is considered a personality trait.
The beer also serves an important fashion function. If anyone questions the vest, the pants, the chains, or the fact that you’re wearing tactical boots to a dance club, take a drink and look like you meant to do all of it.
Confidence is 90% posture and 10% having something cold in your hand.
The Final Look
Put it all together and you’ve got the complete Alpha Male Starter Kit:
Leather vest. Giant cross. Alpha buckle. Wallet chain. Shiny pants. Tactical boots. Beer. Sunglasses large enough to conceal approximately 40% of your face.
And absolutely no evidence that any of these items were selected by the same person.
That’s what I call fashion.
Editor’s Final Assessment
I would like to remind everyone that Billy Bob is my cousin.
I would also like to remind Billy Bob’s mother that I have fulfilled my promise.
The article has been published.
Billy Bob has been given a platform.
And I am now going to pretend I have never met him.
As for the Alpha Male Starter Kit?
I’d give it five out of five beer cans for commitment.
Fashion sense?
Well…
Let’s just say Billy Bob has successfully demonstrated that confidence is sometimes just bad taste wearing sunglasses.
.
