Asking For An Alt

Three Readers. Three Dilemmas. One Questionable Adviser.

Welcome to Asking for an Alt, where virtual lives come with real dilemmas, and everyone swears they’re asking for a friend.

“New Boyfriend, Besties Not Included”

From: Begging for Besties

Dear Asking,

I have a new boyfriend who has a ton of friends. He’s wonderful about making me a priority, but whenever we’re around his friends, I feel like I’ve accidentally crashed a private party. They all have their inside jokes, shared memories, and conversations that leave me standing there like an unrendered texture.

I know I’m the new girl, but sometimes I feel completely snubbed. I don’t want to be the clingy girlfriend who needs constant attention, but I’d really like to feel like part of the group instead of the decorative attachment on his arm.

How do I get his friends to like me without looking desperate?

Sincerely,
Begging for Besties

Dear Begging for Besties,

Darling, your boyfriend apparently came with a bestie expansion pack, years of backstory, and absolutely no beginner’s tutorial. No wonder you’re standing there waiting for the conversation to rez.

Wanting to be included is perfectly reasonable. But before you assume they dislike you, remember that established groups can be spectacularly oblivious. They know all the stories and sometimes forget there’s someone present who hasn’t watched the previous twelve seasons.

Start with a quiet conversation with your boyfriend: “I really appreciate how you make me a priority, but I feel a bit invisible when we’re with your friends. Could you help bring me into the conversation?” Explaining an inside joke or mentioning something you have in common with someone can make a big difference. You’re asking for a little help finding your footing.

Then focus on getting to know one person at a time. Ask about their interests, follow up on something they’ve mentioned, and share a little of yourself. When another mysterious joke lands, try, “Okay, someone needs to explain the lore. I joined this show halfway through.” Their response may tell you more than silently wondering whether you’re welcome.

Give familiarity time to grow, but pay attention to whether anyone meets you halfway. If friendly attempts repeatedly get brushed aside, talk to your boyfriend about those specific moments. Basic courtesy shouldn’t require a six-month probation period.

And keep your own friendships thriving. It’s lovely if his friends become yours, but being comfortable and welcome is a perfectly good starting point. Be interested, be yourself, and put down the begging bowl, sweetheart. You have something to bring to the table, even if nobody has explained the seating arrangement yet.

Yours behind the sunglasses,
Asking for an Alt

“Love in Witness Protection.”

From: Forever in IMs, Never in Picks,

Dear Asking,

I need some advice. I seem to have developed a talent for attracting men who want to date me, but only if nobody knows about it.

They’ll spend hours in my IMs, take me to romantic places, tell me how special I am, and happily accept all the benefits of having a girlfriend. But the minute I mention putting each other in our profiles, you’d think I’d asked for their real-life Social Security number and a kidney.

Suddenly, they’re “private people,” they “don’t believe in labels,” or my personal favorite, “It’s just a profile. Why does it matter?”

Meanwhile, their profile has six paragraphs about loyalty, a picture of their dog, and a list of every club they’ve ever DJ’d at.

Am I asking too much? Is there something wrong with me? Or have I somehow become the grid’s best-kept secret?

Sincerly,
Forever in IMs, Never in Picks

Dear Forever in IMs, Never in Picks,

No, sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel acknowledged. Being repeatedly tucked away can leave you questioning your worth, but someone else’s reluctance to claim a relationship does not measure your value. And if the dog, the DJ résumé, and seventeen nightclubs all have reserved seating in his profile, it’s understandable that you’re wondering why you require witness protection.

That said, a profile mention isn’t a certificate of loyalty, and declining one doesn’t automatically mean someone is cheating. Look at the whole relationship. Does he introduce you to friends as his girlfriend? Include you in his life? Agree openly about whether you’re exclusive? Someone can keep their romance off their profile and still make you feel secure. The concern is when you’re consistently hidden, left guessing, or made to feel unreasonable for asking where you stand.

Have a direct conversation: “I enjoy what we have, but I want a relationship we can acknowledge openly. What are you looking for, and what would being together actually mean to you?” Explain what acknowledgment means to you, including a profile mention if that matters. You’re allowed to say what you need without apologizing for having needs.

Then listen to his answer and watch whether his actions match it. He’s allowed to want privacy or something casual. You’re equally allowed to decide that arrangement doesn’t suit you. If every conversation ends in evasion, ridicule, or another indefinite “eventually,” you don’t need to uncover a secret wife and three emergency alts before deciding you’ve had enough.

Since this keeps happening, bring up expectations earlier, before becoming deeply invested. That gives you a chance to recognize a mismatch sooner. Keep your standards, darling. A little mystery can be sexy; wondering whether your boyfriend will acknowledge you in a crowded room gets old remarkably quickly.

Yours behind the sunglasses,
Asking for an Alt

Wanted for Excessive Swishing

From: Flexi and Fabulous,

Dear Asking,

I love Flexi hair and clothes. I think they look amazing, they’re realistic, and there’s something about watching your hair move naturally that just does it for me. Unfortunately, my friends seem to think I’ve wandered in from 2010 and refuse to let me forget it.

Apparently, clothes and hair aren’t supposed to move through your body these days, and flexi is old news. They keep telling me times have changed and I need to update my wardrobe. It’s got to the point where they’re threatening to stop hanging out with me if I don’t get with the times!

I don’t understand why everyone is so obsessed with having their hair and clothes stay frozen in place. Surely looking good is the whole point? I happen to think my outfits look fabulous, and I don’t see why I should change my style just because my friends have decided to become the Second Life Fashion Police.

Am I being stubborn, or are they being ridiculous? Do I really need to ditch my beloved flexi for the sake of keeping my friends?

Sincerely,

Flexi and Fabulous

Dear Flexi and Fabulous,

Darling, if a friendship can be destroyed by a swishing ponytail, I’m afraid the weakest attachment in this situation isn’t your hair.

Now, in fairness, if your hair enters through your shoulder and exits through your left breast, we may be stretching the definition of “natural movement.” That’s less shampoo commercial and more paranormal activity. But a little questionable physics hardly warrants a friendship eviction notice.

You’re allowed to enjoy your look. Your wardrobe does not need planning permission from the Second Life Fashion Police, and “I like it” is a perfectly acceptable styling decision. By all means, try something newer if it catches your eye. Mix it with your old favourites. Have fun experimenting. There is no requirement to hold a funeral for your beloved ponytail first.

The friendship part deserves a straight answer, though. If they’re teasing, tell them the joke has worn thinner than a badly stretched texture. If they’re seriously threatening to stop spending time with you over your clothes, explain that fashion suggestions are welcome when invited, but ultimatums are getting rather unfashionable.

Try: “You don’t have to wear my hair, darling. You just have to survive being seen beside it.”

Then give them a chance to behave like friends again.

Keep the flexi if it makes you happy. Perhaps check that your skirt hasn’t wandered into somebody else’s cocktail, but otherwise carry on. The Fashion Police have no jurisdiction over your inventory, and frankly, their attitude could use an update.

Yours behind the sunglasses,
Asking for an Alt

That’s a wrap for this edition of Asking for an Alt! Remember: friendship shouldn’t require an audition, romance shouldn’t need security clearance, and the Fashion Police have no jurisdiction over your flexi. Keep your standards high, your hair swishing, and your skirt out of someone else’s cocktail. And if this week’s drama sounds suspiciously familiar, don’t panic. We’ll tell everyone it was your alt.

Yours behind the sunglasses,
Asking for an Alt

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